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SHOEMAKER'S 

BEST    SELECTIONS 

For  Re&.dings  and  Recitdwtions 
Nos.  I  to  27  Now  Issued 

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ist's Annual,"  the  first  seventeen  numbers  being  pub- 
lished under  that  title. 

While  the  primary  purpose  of  these  books  is  to 
supply  the  wants  of  the  public  reader  and  elocution- 
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The  Penn  Publishing  Company 

923  Arch  Street,  Philadelphia 


An  Economicdcl 
Boomerang  ^  j^ 

A  FARCE   IN  ONE  ACT 


By  W.  H.  Neall 

cAuihor  of  "Raising  the  Wind,"  ''Before  the  War/'  etc. 


PHILADELPHIA 

THE  PENN  PUBLISHING  COMPANY 

1909 


lA^ 


SRLF 
URL 

NUMBER  THIRTY-TWO,  •!* 

AN  ECONOMICAL  BOOMERANG.*— W.  H.  Nealu 

CHARACTERS. 

Mb.  Alexander  Dabbleton,  sudileuly  seized  with  aa  economical  atreak. 
Mbs.  Alexander  Babbleto.k,  although  disagreeing,  acquiesces. 

Mb.  Bird  Plover,    )     receutly  married  couple. 

Mrs.  Bird  Plover,  J 

Doctor,  who  is  laboring  under  a  misapprehension. 

Maooie,  who,  if  she  wasu't  Irish,  might  have  been  "Frinch.' 

Scene.— ifrs.  Dabbleton's  sUting-room.  Entrances  at  right  ayid 
left.  Mrs.  Dabbleton  discovered  looking  over  a  dress  as  Mr.  Dab- 
hUton  enters  at  right. 

Mr.  Dabbletox.  Lila,  dearest,  as  I  entered,  I  encountered 
your  maid  going,  in  haste,  for  the  seamstres.s.  Pending  a 
proposition  to  you,  I  detained  her  and  she  awaits  below. 

Mrs.  Dabbleton-.  Why,  Alexander,  love,  I  intend  having 
this  dress  altered  and  had  sent  Maggie  with  a  note  to  Miis 
Stitcher  to  come  to-morrow. 

Mr.  D.  Precisely,  love,  so  you  did,  but  the  fact  is,  I  met 
Jack  Pirapers  down  town  to-day ;  and  Jack,  you  know,  hasn't 
been  married  quite  a  year  and  he  said  that  his  wife  made  all 
her  own  dresses  and  altered  her  old  ones,  when  necessary. 

Mrs.  D.  And,  I  presume,  trimmed  her  own  hats-  cooked 
the  meals— scrubbed  the  floors— sifted  the  ashes— beat  the 

carpets— washed  the  windows ■ 

Mr.  D.  {interrupting.)  Now,  Lila,  dear,  don't  go  off  into  one 

of  your  sarcastic  monologues  as  you  always  do,  whenever  I 

tell  you  what  I  merely  heard.    Jack  only  mentioned  dresses. 

Mrs.  D.  But,  Alexander,  you  surely  mean  something  when 

you  have  stopped  Maggie  from  delivering  my  note. 

Mr.  D.  Well !  my  dear,  can't  my  little  wife  learn  to  prac- 
tise economy?  I  am  afraid  I  have  been  too  indulgent  with 
you,  Lila.     Why  not  alter  that  skirt  yourself? 

Mrs.  D.  But  I  really  do  not  know  how,  love.  At  the 
Bchool,  where  I  was  educated,  I  was  only  taught  music,  em- 
broidery and  such  like  accomplishments  in  connection  with 
toy  studies, — not  dressmaking, 

Mr.  D.  Then,  darling,  this  will  be  a  good  opportunity  to 
pake  a  beginning.    "  In  economy  there  is  wealth." 

Mrs.  D.  Suppose  I  should  .-^^poil  it  ?  The  material  is  toe 
^pensive  to  practise  on.  ^  ____^ 

•Copyright,  i892.  _^^  —i^-^^^  — -- 


144  ONE    HUNDKED    CHOICE    S.«CLECTI0N3 

Mb.  D.    Nonsense,  love ;  you  know  vhat  design  you  wauti 

Mrs.  D.    Y-e-s;  I  have  patterns. 

Mr.  D.  "Well  then,  let  me  inform  Maggie  that  she  needi 
not  deliver  your  letter.  {Goes  to  door  and  gives  directions.) 
There,  novv.  I  am  quite  sure  that  this  will  prove  a  delight- 
ful experience.     {Sits  at  table,  takes  up  eveidiig  paper.) 

Mrs.  D.    But  I  have  no  dummy,  Alexander. 

Mb.  D.    Dummy  ?    Dummy  ? 

Mrs.  D.    Yes, — a  form. 

Mr.  D.     You  have  no  form ;  why,  my  dear— — 

Mrs.  D.    I  mean  a  model,— a  lay -figure. 

Mr.  D.  Oh !  I  see ;  well,  do  as  all  dressmakers  do,  by 
measurements.  Why  my  tailor  does  not  depend  on  a  "dum- 
my," my  dear,  he  just  marks  out  what  he  wants;  cuts  it, 
sews  it,  and  there  you  are. 

Mrs.  D.    Doesn't  he  try  it  on  you  ? 

Mb.  D.  Well,  y-e-s — but  you  can  easily  slip  in  and  out  of 
It  yourself  and  get  the  gauge  by  your  n^iTor ;  you  women 
have  a  way  for  that,  I'll  warrant. 

Mks.  D.    But  I  must  have  something  to  •^i'Hp".  it  upon. 

Mr.  D.    Then,  my  love,  use  Maggie. 

Mrs.  D.  {laughing.)  The  idea !  Maggie  is  mi'ci*  stouter  than 
'1  am. 

Mr.  D.    Well !  you  can  allow  say,  an  inch  or  two. 

Mrs.  D.  {suddenly.)  Alexander,  dear,  if  it  is  your  wish  for 
me  to  alter  this  skirt  myself,  I  will  use  you. 

Mr.  D.    Use  me,  Lila ! 

Mrs.  D.    Yes,  for  draping. 

Mr.  D.    All  folly,  dear,  besides  I  want  to  read  the  paper. 

Mrs.  D.  {coyly.)  Hadn't  I  better  send  for  Miss  Stitcher 'i 

Mr.  D.  Well !  h'm — certainly  not.  I'll  gratify  you  with 
the  use  of  my  person  but  I  am  sure  that  it  is  all  unnecessary. 

Mrs.  D.  {pouting.)  Alexander,  you  are  unkind. 

Mr.  D.  {arising  quickly.)  There — there — sweetness,  I  don't 
want  to  distress  you,  come,  what  must  I  do? 

Mrs.  D.    Take  off  your  coat,  dear.  {Mr.  D.  removes  coat.} 
..«  Mr.  D.    And  vest  ? 

Mrs.  D.  Oh,  no!  Now  put  this  skirt  on.  {Mr.  D.  does  9o, 
wiaking  many  mistakes.) 

Mr.  D.    1  wouldn't  be  a  woman  for  worlds. 

Mrs.  D.    Now  love,  let  me  draw  it  in  around  the  waist 


WUMBER   THIRTY-TWO.  14?l 

Mr.  D.  Stop,  Lila,  stop!  I  can't  breathe;  why  I  wouJd 
die  of  heart  failure  if  you  persisted  in  squeezing  me  in  that 
way,  no  wonder  you  women  die  of  congested  liver  and  con- 
tracted diaphragm. 

Mrs.  D.    There— how  is  that?  Now  do  not  move. 

Mr,  D.  Move,  my  love,  why  I  couldn't  if  I  wanted  to; 
I'm  in  a  vise.  {Mrs.  D.  drops  on  lier  knees  and  arranges  skirt.) 

Mrs.  D.  Let  me  pin  it  up  here — and  there.  I  think  that 
would  look  better  this  way.    It  wants  gathering  here. 

Mr.  D.  Lila,  you've  got  all  those  pins  stuck  through  my 
trousers. 

Mrs.  D.  (sternhj.)  Alexander,  I  think  that  you  find  an  awful 
lot  of  fault ;  I  told  you  how  it  would  be.     Lean  farther  over. 

Mr.  D,  Mj'  dear,  if  I  lean  much  farther  over,  I'll  go  oi^ 
my  nose. 

Mrs.  D.    Step  out  a  little — there  ;  be  careful ;  don't  fall. 

Mr.  D.    My  love,  it's  a  good  thing  that  my  life's  insured, 

Mrs.  D.  {surveying  ivilh  critical  eye.)  I  don't  like  the  sweejx 
of  this  train ;  it  wants  a  little  more  of  a  curve — I  think  that 
one  plait  will  do  it.  {Mr.  D.  endeavors  to  see  and  nearly  falls  over.) 

Mr.  D.  Lila,  dear,  I— I  fear  something  has  ripped.  No 
it  hasn't  either  {examining) ;  it's  one  of  my  suspender  buttonsL 

Mrs.  D.  Now  take  it  off.  I  have  a  few  stitches  to  put  in 
and  then  you  must  try  it  on  again  to  see  if  it  is  right. 

Mr.  D.    Is  that  customary  ?  ( Takes  off  dress.) 

Mrs.  D.  Why,  yes;  and  besides  I  am  inexperienced ano 
•.t  will  take  me  longer.  {Begins  to  seiv.) 

Mr.  D.  In  that  case  whilst  you  are  putting  in  the  stitches 
I'll  read  my  paper. 

Mrs.  D.  Oh,  I'm  all  ready  now.  Put  it  on  again.  {He  does 
so.)  There  now,  all  that  trouble  for  nothing.  I  did  not  tack 
it  in  the  right  place.    Now  take  it  off.    {He  does  so.) 

Mr.  D.  {pacing  the  floor.)  Great  Caesar !  I  hope  you  will 
get  it  in  shape  this  time. 

Mrs.  D.  Try  it  on  again.  {He  does  so,  nearly  failing.)  Be 
careful.  {She  sits  on  floor  and  gazes  at  dress.) 

Mr.  D.  {impatiently.)  AVell !  what  are  you  looking  at  ? 

Mrs.  D.  I  really  don't  know  what  to  do  with  it.  It  is  not 
right  after  all. 

Mr.  D.  Why  don't  you  think.  Am  I  to  stand  here  all 
night  like  a  wax  figure  ? 


148  ONB    HCNDRED    CHOICE    SELECTIONS 

Mrs.  D.  Don't  get  angry,  Alexander,  love,  I  think  that  t 
few  more  oins  will  fix  it. 

Mr.  D.     Well !  put  them  in  then. 

Mrs.  D.    But  wliere  ? 

Mr.  D.  How  in  the  name  of  common  sense  do  I  know? 
While  you  are  meditating  I'll  look  over  my  paper.  {Makes  a 
movement  to  sit  down.) 

Mrs.  D.    Why  you  can't  sit  down,  you'll  spoil  everything^ 

Mr.  D.  My  dear,  this  thing  weighs  a  ton  ;  however,  have 
your  way.  {Pr.ads  paper  while  Mrs.  D.  adjusts  more  pins.) 

Mrs.  D.    Now  take  it  off  again.  [He  does  so.) 

Mr.  D.    'f!his  finishes  it,  eh  ? 

Mrs,  D.    For  the  moment  (sennng) — try  it  on  again,  dear. 

Mr.  D.  My  love,  allow  me  to  suggest  that  this  sort  of  thing 
is  getting  "Toonotonous. 

Mrs.  X).    Now  I  want  to  pull  it  so — another  pin  here-~ 

Mr.)\    Ouch! 

Mrp .  D.    Did  I  stick  you,  dear  ?  now  another  pin  there— 

Mr.  D.    Ouch  1  ! 

Mrs.  D.    I  am  so  sorry,  love  !  another  here — 

Mr.  D.    Ouch  !  !  I 

Mrs.  D.  Ah !  it's  beginning  to  take  shape  ;  don't  stir,  Al* 
exander ;  I've  run  out  of  pins. 

Mr.  D.    That's  because  you  have  run  them  all  into  me. 

Mrs.  D.  (arising.)  Do  not  move  until  I  come  back  ;  I  wont 
be  a  minute — you  are  holding  yourself  just  right.  [^Exit. 

Mr.  D.  I  am  heartily  sick  of  this  bargain.  I  wish  that 
Jack  Pimpers  and  his  wife  were  in  Jericho.  If  Pimpers  al- 
lows his  wife  to  make  a  "dummy"  of  him,  it's  just  like  that 
fool.  {Meads  paper.) 

Enter  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Plover,  back  of  Mr.  D. 

Mrs.  Plover.    Oh,  there  you  are  ? 

Mr.  D.  (without  looking  up,  supposing  it  is  Mrs.  D.)  Of  coursft 
f  am  ;  did  you  expect  to  find  me  in  the  cellar  ? 

Mr.  Plover  (aside  to  Mrs.  P.).  Why,  tiiat's  Dabbleton  him- 
self;  crazy  as  a  loon,  too. 

Mrs.  p.  (dinging  to  Mr.  P.)  Oh,  Bird !  Bird  !  dearest.  Is  it 
not  ead  ?    I  pity  Lila  so. 

Mh-.  D.  (kicking  up  back  of  dress;  eyes  still  an  paper.)  Wellf 
am  I  ail  right,  yet  ? 


NUMBER   THIRTY-TWO.  147 

AIr.  P.  {to  Mrs.  P.)  Right!  he's  decidedly  wrong  in  hia 
f.   ad,  I'm  thinking. 

Mrs.  p.  {to  Mr.  P.)  Oh !  Bird,  darling ;  I  pray  that  you  may 
never,  never  be  so  afflicted. 

Mr.  D.     Haven't  you  got  this  thing  worked  out  yet? 
{Discovers  Mr.  and  Mrs.  P.)  Why— why — ah  !   ah  ! — why — • 
Backs  toward  door,  Ufl;  falls  down,  tries  to  walk,  falls  and  finally 
crawls  out  of  door,  on  hands  and  knees.    Mr.  and  Mrs.  P, 
look  on  in  astonishmeni. 

Mr.  p.  (shaking  head.)  He's  a  hopeless  case. 

Mrs.  p.  How  can  they  let  him  run  loose.  I  would  fear 
that  he  would  hurt  some  one.  {Enter  Mrs.  D.  Looks  relieved 
on  not  finding  Mr.  D.  present.)  Oh,  Lila ! 

Mrs.  D.  Oh,  Minnie!  {Ihey  embrace.)  And  you,  Mr.  Plov- 
er— when  did  you  come  ? 

Mrs.  p.    We  have  just  arrived,  and  Maggie  sent  us  right  up. 

Mrs.  D.  Quite  right — be  seated.  {Offers  chairs.)  And  how 
did  you  enjoy  your  trip? 

Mrs.  p.  Oh  !  splendidly— it  was  such  a  love  of  a  trip ; 
fvasn't  it.  Bird  ? 

Mr.  p.     It  certainly  was,  my  dear. 

Mrs.  p.    And— and  how  is  Mr.  Dabbleton? 

Mr.  p.    Is  he  better  ? 

Mrs.  D.     Yes,  he  has  only  a  slight  cold. 

Mrs.  p.  {aside  to  Mr.  P.)  Bird,  she  calls  it  a  slight  cold. 
{Aloud.)  Does  he  go  out  alone  ? 

Mrs.  D.  {laughing.)  Oh,  dear,  yes;  it  is  not  so  serious  as  that. 

Mr.  p.     What  does  the  doctor  say  ? 

Mrs.  D.    It  is  not  necessary  for  a  doctor. 

Mrs.  p.  {aside  to  Mr.  P.)  Bird,  darling ;  it  isn't  necessary 
for  a  doctor  I  {Aloud.)  Do  you  feel  perfectly  secure  with  him  ? 

Mrs.  D.  Why,  what  a  question!  I  am  the  happiest  wom- 
an imaginable.  I  have  not  a  care.  Mr.  Dabbleton  and  I  mar. 
ned  purely  for  love. 

M  :s.  P.  {a^ide  to  Mr.  P.)  Not  a  care!  for  love!  {Aloud.) 
How  long  did  you  notice  the  symptoms,  Lila,  dear? 

Mr.  p.     Yes,  Mrs.  Dabbleton,  were  they  gradual  ? 

Mrs.  D.  Oh,  yes!  I  discovered  them  long  before  we  were 
married.  {Mr.  P.  and  Mrs.  P.  exchange  glances.) 

Mrs.  P,     And  are  you  reconciled  ? 

Mrs.  D.  {aside.)  I  wonder  what  she  means.  {Aloud.)  Why, 


'i48  ONE    HUNDRED    CHOICE    SELECTIONS 

certainly,  or  I  would  not  have  married.  Mr.  Dabbleton  \% 
kindness  personified. 

Mr.  p.    Rather  eccentrit,  though  ? 

Mrs.  D.    N-no  -of  course  he  has  his  peculiaritiea 

Mrs.  p.  {(mde  to  Mr.  P.)  Bird !  she  calls  it  peculiarities 
[Aloud )   Do  you  have  an  attendant,  Lila  ? 

Mrs.  D.    Oh  1  yes,— Maggie. 

MRS.'^P.lM^ggi^' 

Mrs.  D.    Yes,  didn't  she  let  you  in  ? 

Mb.  p.    But  is  she  able  to  cope  with  Mr.  Dabbleton  ? 

Mrs.  D.  {in  astonishment.)  It  is  not  necessary.  He  rarely 
iiterferes  with  my  servants. 

Mr.  p.  But  we  mean  had  you  ever  an  attendant  especially 
for  your  husband? 

Mrs.  D.     We  had  one  but  he  left. 

Mrs.  p.    I  presume  that  the  strain  was  too  much  for  himl 

Mrs.  D.  Strain  ?  He  had  nothing  to  do  but  to  wait  upon 
table,  blacken  Mr.  Dabbleton's  boots  and  brush  his  clothing. 

Mrs.  p.    Those  menial  acts  were  beneath  him,  I  suppose? 

Mrs.  D.  Beneath  him  ?  He  did  not  suit  so  we  discharged 
him,  and  Maggie  fits  in  very  well. 

Mrs.  p.    Why  not  send  him  to  an  asylum? 

Mrs.  D.    Send  whom? 

Mr.  p.    Why  your  husband. 

Mrs.  p.    And  have  him  cured. 

Mrs.  D.  {arising.)  My  husband — an  asylum— have  him 
cured !  Why,  Minnie,  what  do  you  mean  ?  Mr.  Plover,  will 
you  explain  ? 

Mr.  p.  {arising.)  Ah !  Mrs.  Dabbleton— we  respect  your 
endeavors  to  keep  this  terrible  secret.  Believe  me,  Mijinie 
and  myself  will  never  breathe  it.    We  sincerely  pity  him. 

Mrs.  p.  No !  Lila,  rest  assured  that  my  lips  will  be  sealed* 
good-bye,  dear,  keep  up  a  brave  heart — poor — poor  man. 
{Aside  to  Mr.  P.)  T  am  just  dying  to  get  home  and  tell  mama ! 

Mr.  p.  Good-night,  Mrs.  Dabbleton ;  if  you  should  ever 
wish  my  services,  command  me  at  any  time.       [Exit  both. 

Mrs.  D.  {aghast.)  What  does  it  all  mean?  Have  they  both 
gone  crazy?  {Calls.)  Alexander!  Alexander!  where  are  you? 

Enter  Maggie,  in  much  trepidation. 

Maooib.    Oh,  Mrs.  Dabbleton!    Mrs.   Dabbleton!  sure  I 


NUMBER  THIRTY-TWO.  149 

have  that  to  inforum  you,  that  the  pa-ches  what  you  are 
pre-sar-viug  doon  stairs  air  all  biling  oover  and  it's  makin' 
such  a  schmell  in  the  kitching  that  I  can't  be  afther  sthand' 
>ug  it  at  all,  at  all ! 

Mrs.  D.    Why  in  the  world  didn't  you  move  them,  Maggie  ? 

Maggie.  Sure  !  an'  didn't  I  be  afther  thrying  to  do  ttiat 
mim,  whin,  bad  cess  to  it,  the  more  I  moved  thim  the  more 
they  schlijpped  oover  and  made  the  schmell  worse  than  iver 

Mrs.  D.  Oh,  dear  I  oh,  dear !  I  will  attend  to  them  my* 
•elf  (starting). 

Maggie.  An'  sure,  Mrs.  Dabbleton,  I  have  also  to  inforurai 
you,  the  cat  got  into  the  con-sar-va-tor-e  and  knocked  down 
sax  flower-pots  and  shpilled  the  contints  all  oover  the  flure. 

Mrs.  D    (agitated.)  Oh,  Maggie,  didn't  you  drive  her  out? 

Maggie.  I  did  that,  mum  !  But  I  have  furder  to  inforum 
you,  mum,  that  before  I  got  the  cat  out,  she  knocked  down 
that  flower  what  j'^ou  call  the  "Night-Bloomin'  see-e-air-e-iut" 
an'  broked  off" wan  av  the  stims. 

Mrs.D.    What!  My  Night-Blooming  Cereus? 

Maggie.  Yis,  mim  ! — the  "  Night-Bloomin'  see-e-air-e-us" 
Is  all  broked,  mim  !  {Door  bell  rings  violently.) 

Mrs.  D.  There,  Maggie,  quickly  attend  to  the  bell  I  I  wil' 
go  iccmediately  to  the  kitchen  and  then  to  the  conservatory. 
Do  not  let  any  one  disturb  me  for  a  few  minutes. 

Maggie.    Yis,  mim  !  I  will  that,  mim  !  [ExU  in  hasU- 

Mrs.  D.  {walldng  up  and  down  in  an  agitated  manner.)  I  won- 
der where  poor  Alexander  is?  What  with  amateur  dress- 
making, and  foolish  questioning  by  idiotic  married  people, 
my  choice  flower  broken,  and  the  peaches— oh,  dear!  I  for- 
got those  peaches  again — I  suppose  that  they  are  all  ruined 
by  this  time.  \_Exii  hastily. 

Doctor  heard  without :  "  Very  well,  very  well,  my  good  girl !  Let 
me  see  him  at  once."  Enter  Doctor,  followed  by  Maggie.  ^  — 
tor  advances  to  front. 

Maggik.  Sure  Docther,  the  missus  Is  afther  being  in  thg 
kitching  and  wants  to  be  excused  for  siverial  minutes ;  an— 
""n — I  don't  think  Misther  Dabbleton  isat  home,  at  all,  at  all ! 

DouTOB.  (soliloquizin;)).  This  is  very  strange!  very  strange 
indeed.  What !  Mr.  Dabbleton  seized  with  a  sudden  attack 
of  insanity  ?  why !  why  !  I  wouldn't  have  believed  it,  (  Use4 
iMndkerchi^  violently.) 


IBO  ONE    HUNDRED    CHOICE    SELECTIONS 

Maggie  (in  open-eyed  astonishment).  Sure  is  that  mon  goin 
to  have  a  fit  ?  If  he  does  he'll  be  afther  shpilin'  the  furniture. 

Doctor  {still  soliloquizing).  Now,  it's  lucky  that  1  happened 
to  meet  Bird  Plover  and  his  wife,  just  at  this  moment.  Bird 
Bays  that  they  had  just  been  here  visiting  and  that  Mr.  "Dab- 
bleton  was  as  crazy  as  a  loon  ;  dresses  in  his  wife's  clothing ' 
crawls  along  the  floor  on  all  fours  like  a  dog  and  gives  utter- 
ance to  strange  cries.  {Again  uses  handkerchief.) 

Maggie  {eyeing  doctor  closely).  I  wish  that  the  masther  anc* 
missus  was  here,  for  shure  that  mon  is  taken  mighty  bad ! 

DoGTOK.  I  wonder  why  Mrs.  Dabbleton  wishes  to  conceal 
her  husband's  malady  and  especially  from  me,  her  family 
ohysician?    Now,  let  me  see,  let  me  see— we'll  have  him 

aken  to  a  private  asylum  and 1  wonder  if  he  is  violent ! 

Suddenly  to  Maggie.)  7  say,  young  woman,  is  he  violent? 
loes  he  rave  ?  are  you  safe  ?  when  did  it  happen  ?  what  are 
ae  peculiarities? 

Maggie.    The  saints  pre-sarve  us !    Be  ye  crazy,  sur  ? 

Doctor  {walking  up  and  down).  Do  not  endeavor  to  with- 
hold anything  from  me,  young  woman ;  I  know  all  about  it! 

Maggie.  Faith,  thin,  if  ye  know  all  about  it,  what  are 
you  afther  asking  me  questions  for,  sur? 

Doctor.    C!ome,  come,  come,  come ! 

Maggie  {startled).  Where  will  I  be  afther  comin'  to? 

Doctor,    Come  to  the  point,  of  course. 

Maggie.    The  p'int  is  it?  Sure  what  p'int  shall  I  come  to? 

T)ocTOR.  Why,  in  regard  to  the  affliction  that  has  visited 
tills  house.    Did — did  he  ever  strike  you  ? 

Maggie.    In  sure,  who  wud  sthrike  me? 

Doctor.    Your  master,  Mr.  Dabbleton. 

Maggie.  Mr.  Dabbleton,  is  it?  Indade  and  what  would 
he  be  afther  sthriking  me  for? 

Doctor.     Why,  during  one  of  his  paroxysms. 

Maggie.  Paroxysms ;  eh  !  we  don't  use  paroxysms  here 
We  use  paregoric  if  you  mean  that? 

Doctor.  No !  no !  no !  you  fail  to  comprehend  u^  still 
Don't  you  know  that  your  master  is  non  compos  mentis  f 

Maggik.    Non  compos  mentis,.     Faith,  is  that  Chinese? 

Doctor.  Oh,  no  !  er-er— He's  suffering  from  an  attack  oi 
dementia. 

Maggie.    Dementia,  is  it  ?    Sure  is  it  catchin',  Docther ' 


NUMBKR   THIRTY-TWO.  151 

Doctor.    You  don't  seem  to  grasp  my  meaning  yet.    In 

other  words  his  mental  balance  is  slightly  out  of  equilibrium. 

Maggie  {staring  in  helpless  amazement  around  the  room).  E- 

quil-rib-u-rum !  Faith  and  if  the  disease  is  as  bad  as  the  name, 

he  must  be  very  bad  indade. 

Doctor.  Oh!  !  !  He  has  bees  in  his  bonnet;  bees  in  his 
bonnet,  see? 

Maggie.  Sure  an'  I  don't  see !  Misther  Dabbleton  niver 
wore  a  bonnet  to  my  knowledge  an'  I'm  sure  that  there's 
niver  the  sign  of  a  bee  around  the  house  as  long  as  I  have 
been  employed  here. 

Doctor.  Well !  I've  met  dumb  people  in  my  life,  but  you— 
you  {clapping  one  hand  on  the  other  to  emphasize  each  word) — 
your  master's  brain  has  become  clouded — his  mental  activ- 
ity has  become  warped,  so  to  speak— he  is  the  victim  of  a 
nightmare,  an  hallucination. 

Maggie.  Hallie-Lucy-Nation — sure  an'  I  niver  heard  him 
speak  of  any  wan  by  that  name  about  here. 

Doctor.  Young  woman,  you  certainlj'  are  very  obtuse. 
Mr.  Dabbleton  is  insane— daft — loony — simple— cranky— . 
mad— crazy — or  anything  else  you  choose  to  call  it.  Now  do 
you  understand  ? 

Maggie  {alarmed).  An'  I  do  that,  Docther !  now  that  you've 
made  it  so  plain. 

Doctor.  Well  then,  has  he  ever  run  up  and  down  the 
room  ;  thrown  things  about ;  torn  things ;  eh  ? 

Maggie  {eyes  open  in  af right).  Faith  an'  I  niver  no-ticed 
anything,  Docther,  dear.  {Mr.  Dabbleton  heard  vAthout  calling 
"  i/iia  .' Zito/")  Oh,  murther!  murther!  here  he  comes  now ! 

Doctor  and  Maggie  retreat  to  farther  end  of  room  as  Mr.  Dabbleton 
enters.  Mr.  D.  does  not  see  them  and  is  busy  plucking  off  the 
dress  which  has  been  pinned  to  his  ovm  clothing.*  Collar  and 
necktie  avrry. 

Mr.  D.  Lila !  Lila !  I  say,  Lila !  ( Tears  off  large  handfuU 
of  dress.)  Oh  {dramaiicnlly)  \  If  I  had  that  Jack  Piinpers  here, 
Fd  make  a  foot-ball  of  his  head  ! 

Maggie  {aside,  in  affright).  Oh !  look  at  that  now !  If  I  could 

only  just  put  myself  outside  of  this  house,  I'd  niver  put  fut 

in  it  a'rain,  purf  ! 

'■During  Mr.  D.ibbletou's  absence  from  the  stage  the  dress  should  be  removed 
'And  patches  of  a  similar  material  substituted. 


'152  ONE   HUNDRED   CHOICE   SELECTIONS 

Doctor  {behind  chair,  aside).    His  case  is  more  desperate 
than  I  supposed  !  I  should  have  brought  help. 
Mr.  DabbleUm  is  still  tearing  away  when  he  suddenly  runs  a  pin 
into  his  hand,  and  jumps  and  whoops. 

Maggie  {aside).  Every  blissid  wau  of  us  will  be  killed  dead 
with  that  mon  carrying  on  so  I 

Doctor  {coming  from  behind  chair).  Er-er — Mr.  Dabbletoru 

Mr.  D.  {looking  around, fiercely.)  What!  you  here  too? 

Doctor  {retreating  behind  chair).  Yes!  my  dear  sir;  pray 
be  calm ;  I  will  administer  an  opiate  and 

Mr.  D.    Confusion  with  your  opiates !  I  didn't  send  for  youl 

Maggie  {to  Doctor).  Oh,  be  careful,  Docther,  dear !  He 
might  murther  both  of  us ! 

Doctor  {coining from  behind  chair).  There!  there!  I  know 
that.    Let  me  feel  your  pulse ! 

Mr.  D.  What !  {Doctor  retreats  behind  chair.)  you  medical 
fool  I  For  three  pins  I'll  let  you  feel  my  foot.    I'm  not  sick.' 

Maggie  {aside).  If  he's  not  sick  now,  I  wouldn't  want  to 
be  in  the  room  with  him  when  he  was. 

Doctor  {coming  from  behind  chair).  Of  course,  Mr,  Dabble- 
ton,  we  recognize  that  you  are  not  sick,  but — er — I  had  bet- 
ter give  you  a  prescription ! 

Mr.  D.  {fiercely,  and  Doctor  retreats  as  before.)  Say,  man  !  I've 
had  enough  to  try  me  to-night  to — to — commit  a  desperate 
deed  and — and  when  you  go  mixing  into  affairs  that  do  not 
concern  you,  it  won't  be  my  fault  if  you  get  hurt. 

Maggie  {aside).  Sure  it's  coming  now  !  Oh  !  if  that  door- 
way was  only  nearer  here  so  that  I  could  get  out,  I'd  make 
myself  scarce  mighty  fast. {Gradually  edges  toward  door.) 

Doctor  {coming  front).  Mr.  Dabbleton,  I  came  here  merelj^ 
as  a  professional  man  !  If  I  can  do  anything  that  will  be  oS 
service  to  you,  command  me ! 

Mr.  D.  Now  you  are  talking  sensibly.  If  you  will  kindlj 
retire  and  let  me  alone  I  will  be  greatly  obliged. 

Doctor.  Certainly,  sir !  certainly  !  but  before  I  go,  Mr. 
Dabbleton,  I  will  leave  a  prescription  with  your  wife 

Mr.  D.  Didn't  I  say  that  I  don't  want  a  prescription  !  (//« 
follows  Doctor  around  room.  Exit  Maggie.)  W^hat  I  want  is 
peace— quiet.  If  I  get  my  hands  on  you— I'll— I'll — {Iript 
and  falls.  A  s  Mr.  D.  arises  Doctor  retreats  behind  chair.) 


UrUMBRR  THIRTY-TWO.  ISS 

Doctor  (aside).  The  only  thing  that  will  do  him  any  good 
is  a  straight-jacket,  [to  Mr.  D.)  My  dear  sir,  if  you  are  adverse 
to  taking  medicine  I  will  pursue  other  treatment ! 

Mr.  D.  {in  desperation.)  Man,  will  you  or  will  you  not  leave 
this  house? 

Doctor  {coming  froiU).  Of  course,  sir,  of  course !  hni{sootk- 
ingly)  for  my  sake,  my  dear  friend,  just  let  me  give  you  a 
laerve  tonic ;  it  will 

Mr.  D.  Nerve  tonic !  Nerve  tonic !  I'll  nerve  tonic  you 
if  I  get  hold  of  you,  you  idiotic  essence  of  squills!  {Chase* 
Doctor  around  room,  who  JinuUy  escapes  through  door-way.  Mr.  D. 
links  into  an  easy  chair  exhausted.)  Oh,  my  poor  head  !  every- 
body must  be  crazy 

Mas.  D.  {entering  hurriedly.)  Oh,  Alexander  !  Alexander ! 
what  is  all  this  excitement  ? 

Mr.  D.  Excitement !  My  dear,  when  you  put  me  into  a 
private  asylum,  will  you  please  get  me  a  nice  large  room  and 
a  good  kind  nurse  ? 

Mrs.  D.  What  is  the  matter?  what  have  you  done?  My 
dress  is  ruined ! 

Mk.  D.  {arising  hastily.)  Matter !  Done  !  your  dress  ruined. 
Just  look  at  me.  Don't  you  see  what  a  chromo  your  husband 
is?  I  really  believe  that  this  outrageous  article  is  pinned  to 
my  skin.  I've  tried  all  manner  of  ways  to  get  it  off  and  I 
can't  do  it.  I  was  never  in  such  a  pickle  before  in  all  my 
life  and  besides  Bird  Plover  and  his  wife  were  here. 

Mrs.  D.  Full  well  I  know  it  and  such  an  idiotic  couple  I 
never  saw  ;  they  did  nothing  but  ask  impertinent  questions 
and  pity  you. 

Mr.  D.  Pity  me !  ye  gods !  well  they  might,  for  a  man 
cannot  properly  maintain  his  dignity  whilst  crawling  along 
the  floor  on  his  hands  and  knees,  as  I  did,  to  get  out  of  their 
presence. 

Mrs.  D.    Did  they  see  you? 

Mr.  D.    Did  they  see  me?    They  certainly  djd. 

Mrs.  D.  {aside.)  Oh  !  now  I  understand  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Plov* 
er's  meaning. 

Mr.  D.    And  that  isn't  all,  the  Doctor  was  just  here. 

Mrs.  D.     Was  that  he  just  running  out  of  the  house  ? 

Mb.  D.  It  was— he  either  is  crazy  or  thinks  that  I  am. 
He  and  Maggie  ran  around  the  room  as  if  playing  tag. 

Mrs.  D.     Poor  Maggie,  she  is  down  in  the  kitchen  sob- 


164  ONB    HUNDRED    CHOICE    SKLiiCTIONS 

bing  as  if  her  heart  would  break ;  I  could  not  make  head  o» 
tail  of  what  she  was  tryhig  to  tell  me. 

Mb.  D.    Lila,  I  feel  like  a  mental  and  physical  wreck. 

Mbs,  D.  You  poor,  dear,  ill-used  husband,  let  me  take 
these — these  remnants  otf. 

Mb.  D.  For  mercy  sake,  take  them  off;  Bird  and  his  wife 
think,  no  doubt,  that  I've  been  o^f  myself. 

Mrs.  D.  Never  mind,  sweetie  !  I  will  send  Minnie  a  note 
and  explain  it  {laughing).  I  know  that  you  must  have  looked 
ridiculous  but  they  are  sensible  people  after  all  and  will  un- 
derstand. You  can  readily  smooth  matters  over  with  the 
Doctor ;  poor  soul,  he  must  have  taken  you  for  a  raving  ma- 
niac in  these  rags.  [She  removes  them.)  Come— let  me  arrange 
your  necktie  and  collar,  and  here  are  your  slippers,  dress- 
ing-coat and  smoking  cap.  («S/ie  gets  these  articles  and  he  putt 
them  <m.)  Now,  you  can  eajoy  a  cigar  whilst  I 

Maggie  suddenly  appears  in  do^r-way  with  paper  bundle,  carpel 
bag  and  bandbox.    Has  on  bonnet  and  shawl. 

Maggie  {interrupthigMrs.D.).  Sure  Mrs.  DahblGton,  I'm  that 
sorry  that  I  could  be  afther  cryin'  me  eyes  out  but  I've  come 
to  give  you  a  week's  warnin'  and  will  lave  at  once. 

Mrs.  D.  Why, Maggie!  what  is  the  matter?  why  are  j^ou 
leaving  me  ? 

Mr.  D.    Yes!  Maggie — why  do  you  leave  so  sudder  ly  ? 

Maggie  {dropping  bundles,  trembling  violently,  and  rolling 
eyes).  Oh  !  ah — ah— indade,  mim,  I— I-didn't  want  i^,  mim, 
but— but 

Mrs.  D.  But  what?  you  certainly  have  a  reason  for  leav- 
ing so  abruptly. 

Maggie  {picking  up  bundles).  I  have  that,  mim,  asking  youi 
pardon,  mim!    It's  on  account  of  the  masther,  mim. 

Mr.  D,    My  account  ?  what  do  you  mean  ? 

Maggie.   Oh — oh — I — I— ah — ah  !  sure — sure !  I — I 

Mrs.  D.  Why  what  in  the  world  has  Mr.  Dabbleton  to  do 
with  your  leaving  ? 

Maggie  {picking  up  bundles,  dropping  them  again,  etc.).  Ask- 
in'  your  pardon  again,  mim;  the  doctor  says  that  Mr. — Mr. 
Dnbbleton  is  crazy,  mim,  and  I  have  ivery  r'ason  to  believe 
■o  meself  from  peisonal  ob-ser-va-tion,  mim  ! 

Mr.  D.  {fiercely.)  Maggie,  do  you  mean  to  say 

Mrs.  D.  {interrupting  him.)  Alexander,  dear,  I  understand 


NUMBEB  THIRTY-TWO.  lU 

this !  Maggie,  listen !  This  evening  I  had  occasion  to  repair 
my  dress ;  Mr.  Dabbleton  consented  to  let  me  drape  it  upon 
him.  Our  friends  caught  him  in  that  predicament  and  sup- 
posed he  was  crazy,  because  he  was  dressed  up  in  my  clothes. 

Maggie.  Oh !  no w  I  understand,  mim.  That  smooth,  slick- 
tongued  fellow,  with  them  dic-tion-air-e  words,  was  afther 
telling  me  tliat  the  masther  wore  a  bonnet  and  had  a  bee  in 
it.  He  also  said  that  the  masther  was  ansufferin'  from  a  e- 
quil-rib-u-rum,  phwat  iver  that  is. 

Mr.  D.    But,  you  see,  Maggie,  it  was  all  a  mistake. 

Maggie.  I  see  that,  Mr.  Dabbleton  {starting  oiit) !  and  if 
I  come  across  that  blunderin'  docther  I'll  be  afther  us- 
ing the  clothes-shtick  on  him,  an'  there'll  be  no  mistake 
about  that,  sure !  ^Exit. 

Mrs.  D.  Now  dear,  whilst  you  look  over  the  evening  pa- 
per I  will  look  over  this — this  {holding  up  dress)  

Mr.  D.  {quickly.)  Mrs.  Dabbleton,  you  will  oblige  me  by 
instantly  dropping  that  dress  and  sending  for  Miss  Stitchei 
at  once.  Besides,  I  will  hand  you  a  check  to-morrow  moru' 
ing,  to  cover  the  expense  of  a  new  gown. 

Mrs.  D.  But  Alexander,  love,  Miss  Stitcher  and  I  migh\ 
repair  damages  and  make  this  look  somewhat  presentable, 
for  {slyly)  you  know,  "  Economy  is  wealth  !  " 

Mr.  D.  Lila,  dear  !  allow  me  to  correct  a  stupendous  er- 
ror. Economy  may  be  wealth  under  certain  conditions  but 
when  it  makes  a  fool  of  a  man;  destroys  valuable  property 
and  lowers  one's  dignity,  then  I  say,  forcibly,  that  it's  all 
d— d-d-d 

Mrs.  D.  {with  finger  raised.)  Be— care — ful .' 

Mr.  D.  {very  mildly.)  A  matter  of  the  veriest  nonsense. 
For  {unth  increasing  warmth,  and  Mrs.  D.  nodding  approvingly 
at  each  sentence),  if  a  man  is  so  rash  as  to  mix  himself  up  in 
affairs  feminine,  which  said  affairs  do  not  concern  him  and 
of  which  he  has  not  the  slightest  knowledge,  then  it  serves 
him  right  if  each  and  every  time  it  makes  of  him  a  con-sum- 
mate 

Mrs.  D.  (interrupting  and  pointing  her  finger  at  Mr.  D.) 
Dummy!  e-h-h-h  ' 

i£r.  D.  plunges  hands  into  jacket-pockets  and  looks  fierce.  Mrs.  iX 
laughs  heartily  as  curtain  falls. 


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By  J.  W.  Shoemaker,  A.  M. 

300  pages 

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PRINCIPALS 


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